apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize
