I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
