When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
