It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
