She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
