It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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