Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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