So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
