what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
