I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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