Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
