I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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