have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
