I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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