So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
