I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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