I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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