I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Soap is not a condiment
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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