happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
