I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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