I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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