How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize