Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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