Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
