My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You know, be my cock's hype man.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
