i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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