i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
