Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
