Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
