She's JV to your varsity
I didn't shave. On purpose
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
