We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Someone came in the potted fern
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
