My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
