i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
