Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
