im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
