My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
