why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Ketchup is God's man juice
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
