my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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