he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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