SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
