I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
