We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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