Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
