She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
