i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
