Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize