I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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