afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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