Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
