I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
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