the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
