We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
i need some magic done to my vagina
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
