You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
