I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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