Capitaan dildo arrescate!
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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