he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
