she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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