Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
