Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
