dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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