I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
