Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
