it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize