OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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