My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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