My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
