I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
