I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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