i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
